 |
|
1-14-09 // 8:30 pm everything it must belong somewhere "I know that now that's why I'm stayin' here..." 14 F, feels like -2 F. Tomorrow's high, 13 F, the next night's low? 0 F. Thirty two degrees below freezing. Alarm going off half an hour before the sun begins to peek above the horizon. Freezing my ass off trying to get 2 or 3 miles in before Ma'at escorts Ra and his Boat of Millions back through the underworld. This time of year is fucking awful. Just brutal. I'd forgotten how bleak January and February can be here. NorCal winters were also cold, dark, wet and had a tendency to get me down and trigger lots of seasonal affective nonsense. But there's a huge difference between 40 degrees and 10 degrees. So the past week or so I've been daydreaming of California, of beaches and the sea, of hikes over emerald green hills (the winter grass was always beyond lush). I'm an active person, and the fact that my environment is limiting my activity makes me cranky and annoyed. And I miss the sun. My favorite moments lately have been the precious few weekend mornings where the sun is actually out. I wake up to the weak winter sun trying to peek through cracks in my bedroom curtains. It's out there spilling through my living room windows. On those mornings, I brew a big pot of coffee, revel in the rays, plan a long walk, and truly feel like I've awoken. The rest of the time, on days like today, I feel dazed, half-asleep through most of the morning, and then racing the dusk once quitting time comes around. It was fun at first, I was loving the whole "get cozy in my cave" sensation. But I'm tired of it now, it's gotten very, very old. But oh well. In a few months spring will make its first tentative steps forward. Baseball season will be here! The day pitchers & catchers report traditionally is the day the long dark teatime of the soul that is late winter finally feels nearly over. So until then, it's more daydreaming of April breezes, May nights drinking beers at streetside tables, and June evenings at the ballpark. Not to mention my end-of-February ~4 day trip back to the Bay Area! I know it's going to be relatively quick, and I have some obligations to take care of since Steve is nice enough to take care of the hotel room if I man his table, but I can't wait to wander the city, be not-quite-so-cold, and catch up with a handful of people. It's funny, for the 3 years I lived out there, I constantly bitched about not making any friends. I think that I did. It's just that it takes that long to even begin to really forge deep bonds. Now that I'm gone, it's heartening to realize there are folks that want to see me while I'm back, and people that I miss now that I'm back in the STL. A minor sub-theme of this entry is loneliness. Just my standard "stuck between stations" of I'd love a cuddle and bit of female companionship, especially in the grips of deepest, darkest winter, but that I'm resolutely not ready/interested in a big time relationship. Intimacy, both emotional and physical. The former especially, I don't know what the deal is, but I feel like I don't get that in any satisfying way back in the STL. This is just bitching, temporary shit that I know will fade. It doesn't mean that occasionally it simply doesn't get to me.
|