in the city


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1-17-09 // 11:39 am

even if the old days were golden days, the past is a terrible place to live

NP: Steve Hogarth - H natural, Montreal 2.27.07

A couple of weeks ago I started talking with Sarah again. It started out with email, I dropped her a line around Christmas; Ford was sending me some documentation (we're both still on the car title/loan until I can refinance in my own name), and I sent her a quick, polite note asking her to keep an eye out for it and to pass it along to me when it showed up. That led to a series of friendly, fun, conversational notes -- just unbelievably heartwarming and interesting and oddly natural feeling. She told me about her semester, and finishing up her PhD applications, about Christmas with her California family, plans for the spring, writing fiction, seeing more films, and finally figuring out her place in the academic world. I told her about finding my niche in St. Louis, and about work offering me balance, and diving headfirst into the reviews thing for Playback, and how I feel like I'm properly nourishing both sides of my personality for the first time in ages. So the emails have gone on and off for the last month now, and we even talked on the phone a couple of weeks ago. I got a phone call from our former landlord (in the building she still lives in) saying "we need someone to open up your unit so we can work on the plumbing". Which led me to leave her a voice mail, which led to her calling me back, which led to me actually taking a real lunch break at work and standing out in the freezing cold parking lot talking on my cell phone because I was having so much fun talking with her! We talked about films and books and music and storytelling techniques, shared stories about odd encounters with "six degrees of separation" type people, laughed, talked a little bit about emotions and the way things played out with us, and felt good about our choices. She said "this makes me want to grab a beer with you". And hell...me too. It made me miss her fiercely. It felt so natural. And it exhilarated and confused me. It made me want to see her more, see her again. It made me want to be her best friend. It was so nice to feel that kind of connection again. And while I don't miss being at the center of the maelstrom that is her life (or, more accurately, was her life, it seems like she's gotten it into her head that you have to have balance in your life otherwise you burn out and/or are miserable), I miss her, plain and simple. She's always been one of, if not the, coolest chicks I know. I'm not really sure how great of a couple we made. I think we were good. I'm not certain that we were great. Well, I think we were often exceptional, but that there were also certain things that were insurmountable, I needed a normal life too much, and she was unable to not put her professional/academic ambition at the forefront of her life. If there's anything I've learned in the past six months, it's that I couldn't ask her to not focus on that stuff! Just like I couldn't pretend to be OK with sacrificing my life for another 5 or whatever years so she could do it. But I miss the good times, and I honestly feel like there was a surplus of good times, it's not like we were always, constantly unhappy. I miss exploring the city with her, surfing, taking road trips up and down the coast, clanking glasses and sharing seafood at outdoor tables by the sea, waking up, sharing coffee, and sitting on the balcony in the morning, making plans and daydreaming. I miss her support after a tough day...I miss being able to put my head on her chest, feel the rise and fall of her breath, her hands in my hair, and that warmth, love, and reassurance. She was, and hell, still is, a great cheerleader and supporter of me. Just like I am for her, if I'm honest. We both want each other to be so happy. But I miss her simultaneously telling me it'll be alright and suggesting how I could go out and make things better. She was a great mixture of softness and sympathy and tough love. I need both of those. I miss beers in the kitchen, talking about literature, linguistics, and human nature. I miss making love... I miss her body...she was so sexy. I thought she was beautiful since what...age 15? There's a reason I always had a crush on her, even before we became surprise lovers well into adulthood. I miss the perfect curve of her breasts, her ass, her belly, the way her dark hair framed her face. Her smile and her peering out from behind her glasses. The way my arms fit so well around her as I stood behind her, how she was just shorter than I was, so she sort of fit underneath my chin. Her smell... I miss laying in each other's arms. So, as it's probably painfully easy to see, I've been experiencing a multitude of conflicting emotions lately. I don't truly want her back because I know it would be a train wreck; there's a reason we aren't together now. We're both better on our current paths than we ever were as a pair, even if there were good times and we were compatible on a number of levels. Mostly, I'm just happy to be able to talk with her as a friend. I'd be very disappointed if we weren't able to be friends in the long term. I realize that doesn't happen overnight, and even six months after I broke up with her, it's still too raw to be 100% "normal". We don't talk about relationships. I know she has a new boyfriend. She sort of tangentially alludes to it, I know it's there, but she doesn't overtly talk about it. Which is nice, actually. It's respectful, something she wasn't doing right after the fact when she was throwing it back in my face. So I can deal with this. But eventually, I know it'll cease to be an issue. I dunno...I don't want someone so special to me to not be a part of my life. I want to keep knowing her for the rest of my life.

I feel greatly depressurized after having gotten this off my chest. I've wanted to vent this for ages now, but I also didn't want to burden my friends. I also don't want them to think that I'm unhappy with life or anything. I just don't know if anyone would understand or not, or if they would even care. I don't know if anyone else knows how passionate I was about Sarah, even up to the very end. I ended it with her even though I hadn't stopped loving with her. I wanted to keep trying to work it out, although it soon became clear to me that wouldn't be possible, and that neither of us could attain our maximum level of happiness unless we went our separate ways.

And I don't know how I feel about moving on...right now I feel like I'm starting to be ready. I'm trying to not shut myself out or away; I'm going out with Kelly again next weekend. She's fun and wicked smart (but not pretentious/snotty in the least) and I have a good, laid-back time with her. But I'm also not like "rarin' to go", if that makes any sense. I'm not driven to find something new. I just want to meet new people, have fun, let life progress naturally for a change. I'm attempting to balance my desire/need to do this on my own terms with the fact that it's important to move on, to get out there, to go on a few dates, even if it's a very casual thing. I just don't want to lead anyone on, or hurt feelings, or whatever. I want my situation and mental state to be completely known.

So that's the state of my heart.

then / now