in the city


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1-18-09 // 4:44 pm

they come out of the blue

I have apparently reached a "Recovering The Satellites" level of angst. You'd have thought that at this point in my adult life I'd have outgrown such things. And while I mostly have, it still rears its ugly head from time to time. The important aspect of this is that I realize it and face it head-on. This means no more even pretending to be chipper and cheerful and in a fantastic mood today. I am gonna do this right. I'm gonna listen to the tunes, stew in my own juices, daydream of springtime and sitting in the stands at the Cardinals game, sing along to the music and vent. I've already gone downtown and took a long (3.5 mile) walk down Olive, to the Arch grounds, and back up Washington. I took lots of pictures and generally ambled about. Then tonight I'm gonna cook a meal (I have ingredients for an experiment with kimchi jigae, sans nasty pork belly), and drink proper beer.

I wish there was a service where you could hire a woman, but instead of a traditional prostitute where she comes over and fucks you all cold and businesslike, you sit there on the couch and she sits there too, in front of you, you wrap your arms around her, and you listen to music, chat about what's deep down on your mind, and drink red wine for a couple of hours. It'd be semi-sexual, at most. It'd be more about the companionship and the emotional intimacy, even if she was making it all up on her end or even simply pretending to give a shit. I suppose you could get a hooker for that, but it'd cost a fortune, and there'd be no guarantee that she'd be good to talk to or particularly sympathetic and/or intelligent. Not that I'd have the balls to do such a thing even if it existed.

What the fuck? This is what I contemplate? Perhaps this is all my own fault for watching so much "Friends" as a teenager. Maybe my expectations for my late 20s have been warped to falsely assume I'd be surrounded by good-looking single women pals and similarly inept guy friends. That when I was single or between relationships or whatever that there'd be other people in the same boat. But TV wouldn't lie to me...would it?

The brilliant news is that while this is Sunday, I have tomorrow off, so today is functioning more like a Saturday. I expect normal service to resume shortly.

then / now