in the city

latest / older / g-book / profile / d-land

01-18-18 // 2:26 pm

people are like suns, they are burning inside

Songs for today. "Sick of Myself" by Matthew Sweet. "These Dreams of You" by Van Morrison. A whole bunch of Crowded House, which is evergreen. I've been thinking lately about how, 18 years after my first entry here, I've grown and changed and hopefully done a decent job of trying to be better about all of the things I'm not so great about. Self improvement is important to me. I'd like to think I've made progress. But I keep wondering if certain things are simply...part of me? Who I am? I have so many amazing friends, but sometimes I still feel crushingly alone. I crave a lover, a partner. More than anything, someone who wants me as badly as I want them. A partner in crime. Someone to share secrets, hopes, dreams and embraces. I'm trying, I really am. I met someone in autumn 2016, and it felt like a relationship. But it wasn't. And I made a new friend. And I see her often and still sort of think "what if?", even though I know that's dumb as fuck. It took ages to finally stop deluding myself and realizing it wasn't ever and will never happen. But it bugs me that even when it feels so right it's *still* always wrong. My heart keeps getting broken. Am I breaking it myself? I ponder, with every passing disappointment, what is inherently wrong with me? I'm not looking for pity. I'm on a journey of discovery. I just want answers, or at least some sort of idea. I'll be 38 in three months, and I keep thinking "I'm going to die alone". Which is a ridiculous thing for someone so relatively young to say. But it's one of the thoughts that creep in when I'm in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.

As I've said so many times here, I'm not really this miserable. I'm writing, I'm doing photography, I'm traveling (UK for the second time in 2015! Germany/Poland/Czech Republic/Austria in 2017!). I'm immersed in music and concerts. I adopted two fantastic, sweet black cats and they bring me such joy. I'm glad I finally decided that it's better to love something that will one day leave you rather than never love it at all. I have wonderful family and friend family. I love my city and I feel like I've done some good things with my life. I just wish I had someone who wanted to share it with me.

then / now