in the city


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2-14-09 // 8:25 pm

something like a letter, the kind that someone writes but never sends

It's taken several weeks of 20-30 pages at a time, but I finished "Wonder Boys" today, sprawled out on my couch in the milky, fading remnants of a Saturday afternoon in February. What a magnificent read, and it's got me contemplating the nature of artistic inspiration, thinking about personal responsibility, taking charge of your own life, and honestly, inciting jealousy & making me wish I could write like Chabon. Not to toot my own horn (ooo er, missus), but I have a fairly large vocabulary; but every other page he had me hitting up dictionary.com to check on a particularly arcane word. Just great writing: soulful, jaggedly funny in odd, unexpected ways, touching, a little crude, a little writer-pretentious, and very evocative. It makes me want to visit Pittsburgh. I stood in my study earlier this evening, my back to the heating vent like a methane breathing, deep sea trench microbe, and couldn't stop pondering why we do what we do in life. Digging deep into notions of why we choose stability over adventure, or why others pick chaos over knowing what comes next. I know it's partially a rhetorical question, it's tied into a person's disposition and/or their upbringing, their formative experiences, if they were brought up amidst security or turmoil. I think I crave both routine and security, but also need a touch of the extraordinary, which is why this is a topic always in the front of my mind. I always choose order, and I'm pleased with this realization and choice, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but this novel has simply set the "what drives us" thoughts and meandering notions into an especially agitated percolation.

Nose to the grindstone at work has paid off. After weeks of back-of-the-mind worry and endless to-do lists, my supervisor pulled me aside earlier this week and had another talk with me. It was typically short and matter of fact: "do you still want to come work for us?" It took me about half a second to reply "absolutely, it's what I've wanted all along". He nodded, and we kind of just got back to the task at hand. But it untethered the growing pit in the midst of my stomach; the rest of the week was no less busy or focus-intensive, but it set my spirit free. Ahh... It wasn't even so much that I was concerned about simply being shit out of luck if they decided not to take me on as a permanent hire. I know that one way or the other, I'd find another contract job or whatever, something to pay the bills. It was more about wanting this position. I've finally found something that provides me the opportunity to balance my professional and personal lives. There's a reason I was so picky in my initial search this past summer, and there's a reason I latched onto the job after the scouting trip back and the rounds of interviews. While the job front's going to keep me plenty busy for the foreseeable future, it's remarkable how much energy and mental fortitude I've had at the end of the day lately. I'm worn out at the end of the day, but in a deserved manner, like I've expended my energy on something worthwhile. I get off work, hit the gym for an hour, come home, write for an hour or so, listen to music, light a few tealight candles, drink a beer, and settle in with some dinner and an hour's worth of TV. Balance. I feel balanced. I always strive for it, perpetually crave it, but I've never truly had it. If I'm truly honest, most of my post-college adult life has been lived on others' terms. This is the first time I'm putting myself first and upfront. There's no way I'm letting go of it now, it's too right.

There was one roadkill carcass speed bump in the week, namely the news that Ryan S is in fact, not coming back to the States this month. After receiving the unexpected news a few months back that his wife got the transfer they've been working towards, and that it was coming far sooner than initially thought, I got a mass-sent social networking note from his wife saying that she was indeed coming home now, but that Ryan was staying behind in Japan for another year due to "a new job opportunity that he couldn't pass up". Whatever that means. I was initially, and obviously, disappointed. But after a day or two, my innards knotted up more and more, and I wasn't sure why until I finally allowed myself to vent. I was pissed off. Not at Ryan, but at his wife. And also at the way in which I was informed: it felt like an afterthought. If I'm truly honest, I've never liked her; she's immature, selfish, and in my opinion, takes advantage of Ryan's giving, kindhearted nature. Sure, he's always been a doormat in their relationship, but that's an entire other discussion. But I've always bitten my tongue, in the way you always do when a friend makes a questionable choice in romantic partner. And I'll continue to do so, albeit with honest response when asked. But I won't go sowing the seeds of discontent if I'm not approached, saved for little prods/checks on his state of mind when we talk and he sounds down or uncertain about her. It simply frustrates me that she always manages to get what she wants, despite her mercurial, perseverance-light nature; I'm left wondering what Ryan's gotten out of any of the last couple of years besides moving halfway across the world for his wife's career, and now finding himself stranded for another year while she heads home in triumph. Hmmm...maybe I'm simply projecting, seeing too much of myself and my California adventure in him and his situation. Or maybe not, I dunno. In any case, I don't know exactly what the deal is with his remaining behind. She says it's a fiscal decision, a choice related to their worry that he wouldn't be able to find work upon returning to the USA. I think that's bull, especially with the support network he has here, and the fact that his family has an interest in the lumberyard back in our old village. I don't know, I'm trying very hard not to rush to conclusions -- maybe the new job is something in the civil service, and if he stays in Okinawa for a year, it'll transfer back to the US. But otherwise? I don't get it. But I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt. His home phone isn't in service right now, but I tried calling his Japanese cell phone the other evening. I got an instructional notice in a pleasant Japanese woman's voice, and left a voice mail. Not sure how much that cost me, but I don't care. I'm hoping to hear back from him soon. In the grand scheme of things, a year certainly isn't forever, but my hopes got kinda dashed. Childishly, and selfishly, I'm disappointed! I wanted my friend back! We'd even made plans for summertime Cardinals road trips. I was daydreaming of watching/quoting movies and drinking beers on lazy June evenings. Plus, I hope everything is OK between him and his wife...he's been so busy and out of touch for months now due to work that I haven't gotten a chance to have a proper conversation with him since like New Year's. I've been emailing him and leaving him wall posts for weeks now asking how it's going, and inquiring about moving plans, but got no reply. Mostly I hope he's not staying behind because their marriage is on the rocks or anything. I don't have anything concrete to back that up, mind you, but it's a vibe I've gotten for a while now, at least based on phone calls from thousands of miles and fifteen time zones away. We shall find out soon enough. In the meantime, I'm far less angsty, annoyed, and let down as I was two or three days ago. It's been good to vent, several friends have been very accommodating in that regard.

Those were the two main things on my mind. There are, as always, other items, but they veer towards the mundane. My life is more or less, mostly, mundane, but I try to keep the most egregious elements of that out of here these days.

then / now