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perhaps vampires is a bit strong but...

The past four or five weeks have been especially taxing; I'm damn exhausted, physically and mentally. It's been a succession of things. My grandpa J's ongoing health issues (since September/October) and progressive decline came to a head with a lung cancer scare (thankfully it wasn't) and a whirlwind, last minute move to an assisted care apartment that he and my grandma had been on a waiting list for for some time. That's been the main issue, and it was full of my own worry and fears about my grandpa, but also full of dealing with extended family chaos and infighting, which was particularly upsetting since we're traditional not that kind of family. People haven't been acting like adults throughout this whole ordeal. And I understand that it's stressful and unprecedented. But it's no excuse. The proverbial fried egg to top the heart-attack inducing bacon cheeseburger has been the fact that I've had to emotionally prop up my mother during this entire thing. She's the oldest of my grandparents' six kids who still live in the St. Louis area. Four of the six still do. For a a variety of reasons, mostly due to the fact that she's a people pleaser, an honestly selfless and exceptionally loving person, and a deeply passive-aggressive person who won't stand up for herself, she's borne the brunt of the logistical work involved in taking care of my grandparents the past 8-9 months. Which basically means it became a case of her working a full time job, and also ending up as a full-time caregiver, shuttle service, doctor's visit planner, medication tracker, and everything else. She's been physically and mentally overloaded. Since she doesn't really have any friends to lean on, and she can only rant to my dad so much, I've sucked it up and been there for her to lean on. Which basically means getting talked at several times a week. Calls to check in on my grandpa's status and see how she's holding up turn into hourlong rants, neverending lists of minutae, fits of crying, and short-tempered snippiness if I dare to try to get a word in edgewise. It's been so draining. It's all she can talk about, it's endless, and god forbid I need to lean on my family... Which is absolutely selfish of me, but hey I also have needs. And don't forget that I'm also worried and upset and uncertain about my grandparents' health and future, and that I've also been driving around like crazy helping out with moves and support and everything else. It's been 3-4 weekends in a row now, and I'm beat. And again, it's all relative 'cause my mom's had months and months of it, but still. The good news is that now that they're in the asst. living apartment, already, only a week later, things are starting a slow climb towards improvement. It's not a panacea, but it's a positive development that should signal that the worst times are behind.

That's been the main stressor. But there's also been other stuff. A few weeks back, work was a total mindfuck. It wasn't the type of simple "loads of work to do" stuff that wears me out but that I can handle and recover from. I'm not talking about over-work or a busy patch or a deadline to meet. That's normal and I do that stuff well these days. I'm talking about a week where nothing I did was good enough for this super difficult bitch of a woman that was the main customer on my last epic project, the one that lasted all winter. I won't go into all the details, but long story short, she didn't explain herself thoroughly enough, I didn't understand the requirements completely, and that resulted in a mistake on a mailing list I generated. It was a good faith mistake, I owned up to it, my supervisor didn't fault me (he said it's a messy gray area of data and our business and that he could've done the same thing), but still. Because I work my ass off and I take such pride in my work, and that I strive for perfection even though it's not truly possible, I hate when I screw up like this. So in addition to having this harpy of a woman acting like a total bitch over an honest mistake (and ignoring my 99.5% awesomeness rate in everything else I've ever done for her), and going over my head to not only my supervisor but the head of the entire IT department, I was also beating myself up something proper. Plus there was a solid 3-4 days where I had no idea what was gonna happen. I knew something was up, that sort of slowly churning, uncertain metaphysical storm where you know shit's about to go down, and then even when it does, how is it going to play out? Ugh. Totally exhausting. It all blew over, but not after a week and change of total turmoil and anxiety and loss of sleep. Plus, this woman had the gall to, a week later, demand a last-minute, high priority update of the exact same list! Of course, I did it and I did it well and I should be done dealing with her for at least another three months...come on!

Otherwise, it's just been a shit ton of propping up other people. One friend is going through a divorce (after a year and change of unhappiness and separations and hand-wringing) and an associated drama over this married guy she got involved with, internet stylee. Another friend is dealing with the loss of her grandfather (and de facto father) -- the anniversaries of his passing and his birthday hit her super hard, and rightfully so. So I'm there for her, too. I don't mind doing it, 'cause these are people that have been there for me through the years and been my crutch when I was knee deep in the inconsolable shit. But regardless, it's draining and it sucks your emotional reserves. I've felt so so so tapped out recently. I keep referring to it as emotional vampirism, which isn't quite true, 'cause that implies malicious intent. These people aren't looking to suck me dry, they just need help, and I'm willing and able to provide it. But it's been all at once, on top of my own stresses and anxiety and worries. It's all added up to a 4-5 week period that's left me feeling almost...hollow. My body is tired, my head is tired, my soul feels sort of turned over and emptied out like a wastepaper basket shaken free of every final, minute shred inside. I'm beat from constant social interaction, constantly having to be "on" and from serving as an on-call therapist. It's made it intensely difficult to retain the balance that I strive for in life. I keep struggling, I keep running every day, I try to eat right, I try to chill out, slow down, and replenish my stamina and reserves. But there's been more crappy eating, more minor hangovers, more terrible night's sleep than I care for.

I've designated this week an official time of chilling out, introvert care, and attempting to regain my slipping balance. Which meant coming home Sunday evening, totally fed up and feeling awful, and clearing my social calendar. I was overloaded and totally sick of it all. No offense to those involved, friends and family that I care deeply about, but I needed me time in a major way, especially after the weekend got wiped away by yet another last minute cavalcade of family obligations. So this week has so far been all about eating right, keeping running, trying to center myself, trying to focus on me for a change. I'm taking Friday off to turn the Memorial Day holiday into a 4 day weekend. I've got a massage scheduled for Friday, there are a number of Cards/Cubs games on TV, and I'm hoping to start sleeping properly again, to get back into a rhythm, to regain my focus and joie de vivre. I'm gonna do a little light socializing on Saturday afternoon but that's it. I want to have the mental juice to write and read more again. I've slowly gotten back into my photo taking groove, but I've had zero time this week to mess around with and upload what I have shot. I've been to a few Cardinals games, and while fun, have mostly been another obligation that's exhausted me (and led to more drinking/bad eating that I didn't need to be doing - it's hard to resist ballpark peer pressure!). It was frustrating to enjoy but not truly feel spiritually rejuvenated by the ballpark the way it normally does. So I've had the desire but not the actual gas for all of those things, if that makes any sense. I want and need to recharge my batteries, because I love and need people in my life. But I also need to take care of me, and I've not been doing that. I can't be everything to everyone all of the time. I hope people get that. I try to explain but I'm not always certain they do.

Of course, I complain too much, and it's not like life has been totally dire or gray or without merit or enjoyable moments here and there. Life is, inherently and structurally, very good. I'm happy with my setups, and I've been mostly free from existential angst and vague sorrow of the heart. Sure, there have been a few super lonely nights where I damn wished I had a woman around to comfort me and take my mind off things, and where some physical contact would've been amazing. But mostly I've just been overloaded and I'm greatly looking forward to regaining some semblance of normality. Mostly, I needed to vent and I've had zero outlets for it. That's the side effect of everyone you rely on to prop you up being consumed with their own stuff, I suppose.

then / now