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8-26-08 // 9:48 pm "home of the truck monkey" I am officially tired of transition. I also realize I'm being a whiner - when I sit back and objectively look at everything, I'm doing great. But still. I want it to be a month from now. Or two. I dunno, some days (or even parts of days) I'm energetic, thrilled, enthusiastic, and some days I'm a little bit overwhelmed and depressed. I just hope people understand it's all just something I'm working through. I think they do, but I wish I felt 100% like myself again. Just takes time... The new job is good. Day two was a success. It's a ton to take in, but at the same time, the technical aspects aren't going to be a big deal. It's mostly learning the business rules, database schema, etc. That stuff simply takes time. I like my coworkers (my supervisor/mentor is awesome) and the workplace is laid-back, kindly, and true to the work-life balance promise they made me during the interview process. Sure, it's a little too wholesome at times (I can't decide what to call my office -- I keep thinking "god-box" when I'm walking through the halls), but that's not their fault. They're certainly not pushy, which consistently astonishes me. Sure, there's pictures of Jesus up everywhere, but I just think of him as the CEO. There's one picture that has to be the inspiration for Buddy Christ. I love it. I love working with people who are passionate, even if they're passionate about something I'm not. I love that they're respectful and sincere. I don't dig my commute. 33 miles each way. Ugh. The traffic itself isn't terrible, at least not for the most part. But I'm not used to spending so much time in the car, I don't like it and I don't want to do it. But it, like many things right now, are temporary. Soon I'll have my own place in the city again and my drive will be a much more manageable ~10 miles. Not perfect, but I'll be able to zip home and then take a long walk through Tower Grove Park. I have been taking care of myself back in the land of pigs and corn. Sure, I eat a bit of what my mom and dad cook, but I'm also not shy about eating what I want to eat, or ordering a veggie option at a restaurant, etc. Don't get me wrong, I had a killer burger at O'Connell's by the Botantical Gardens (best burger in the STL, bar none), but that's a once in a while sort of thing. I walk three miles when I get home from work - I'm used to it and my body needs it, especially these days after working 8 hours and sitting in the car for another hour and a half total. Sure, the walks are in my folks' subdivision in the country, but they always makes me feel a lot better. Not perfect, but it relieves a lot of stress. I'd forgotten about these walks on summer midwestern evenings. They tend to lend themselves to daydreaming, to thoughts of the city, of my neighborhood, of my soon-to-be life. I want to be back in the city. I spent the entire weekend there, for the most part. City Museum, Llewelyn's, the aforementioned burger haven, Left Bank, Washington Ave. I took the metro to Grand station on Friday, walked down to Mokabe's, had a coffee on the shady front patio and read my book. It was heaven! I want to go back. I just have to be patient. The apartment hunt hasn't started in earnest. I probably won't start for another few weeks. If I call about places now, they'll try to get me in for Sept. 1st, and I'd rather shoot for a October 1st move-in. It makes more sense financially. I have the necessary funds in my savings account right now, but I also need to make my Sept. car payment and take care of other odds & ends, and I'll get a few paychecks from the new job in the next month, so... I'm trying to be patient and responsible. So far, so good. My folks have been so kind during my stay with them, and I hate that sometimes I lose it a bit with them. Nothing horrible, but I get irritable sometimes. My mom is so nice and means so well, but sometimes she drives me nuts and won't let me be. I'm a grown man, I can iron my shirts and I know where food is in the fridge. Honestly, she just needs a friend, someone else to talk to that isn't me, my sister or my dad. But I digress. I'm trying to be nice since they're so nice to me. And because I love them, of course. But I don't want to live with my folks. I want to be a 20 mile drive away, come over for dinner once a week, that sort of thing. That sounds perfect. I feel like I'll be a better, more easy to be around son once that happens. Otherwise, yeah... Transition. I love being back and I miss California. I'm glad I came back to St. Louis, but it's going to take some time to get back to where I want to be - in my own place, living my own life and lifestyle, settled in the job, hanging out with family but not overexposed. And honestly, even though my friends have been amazingly fun, supportive, and there for me ever since I got back...I need a backrub and a pretty woman. Not saying I'm looking to be back in a relationship - I am not in that place at all right now - but through all of this stress and life change, every so often someone to give me a kiss, run her hands through my hair and treat me the way I crave would be an unbelievable boon. My dreams have been so vivid lately. I don't necessarily wake up every morning feeling bouncy and refreshed - in fact, some mornings I wake up and don't feel like I slept that great at all. But my subconscious has been so active, my dreams have been constant and realistic. I feel like my mind is in the process of sorting itself back out. The back end is going nuts and the front end is often a bit overwhelmed and swimmmy. But I'm getting there. I always get there. If nothing else, the me of right now knows that. Me in the past didn't always. Score a minor victory for me. Yeah, I'm craving that sort of intimate comfort right now. Sometimes a fantasy...
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