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9-16-08 // 7:52 pm roddy woomble NP: Idlewild - "Make Another World" I'm lonely. There, I've said it! I'm back exactly where I want to be but I generally lack anyone to share it all with. There's a million amazing new restaurants and pubs in this city that weren't here three years ago, but now the vast majority of anyone I could experience it all with is gone. Well, some folks are actually physically not here anymore. Ryan S' absence is stark and utterly lamentable. It sounds dorky as fuck, but he was the King of Greater St. Louis. He held this place and this social scene together, and he was/is my best buddy. Every day I wish he was here, so I could call him up and head to the Black Thorn, or Vesper's on the east side, or hit up some new Ethiopian restaurant or brewpub. We could shoot the shit about the Cards or Rams, movies, TV or friends, or we could have a real, in-depth conversation about life, relationships, and the real guts of what makes life tick. Anyway...most of the people that remain, they're different. It's not a knock on them as people -- friends are allowed to grow up. Hell, I've changed a ton in the past three years! I'm pround of how I've grown during my time on the left coast -- I'm the old me, augmented by experience, a little bit more age, soul searching, a genuine committment to self-improvment, and a change of scenery. I guess I, selfishly and horribly, resent my friends who are moving onwards and upwards. Buying houses, having children. Those are admirable things! But they're things I'm not, stations in life I haven't arrived at. I'm the last single person in my group of friends. Everyone else has married and settled into the groove that life affords. Meanwhile, over the past 4 years I've endured what feels like two divorces! A bit dramatic, perhaps, but right now I'm looking to commiserate with someone who's been there, or at least who has the time to join me in working through my pain and confusion with weeknights in bars, wistful recollection and nightlife. Zarquon help me, I'm just not quite that "go hit the town alone" kind of guy. I'm branching out, and I'm more solitary-social than I ever was. I'll pop down the bar at the end of the street, drink a beer or two and talk to the bartender or some random person hanging around watching the ballgame or playing the jukebox. But those are random encounters, completely inefficient means of social interaction. I'm not a barfly, I'm not going to be in that same spot every single night. I'm not about to go out every night, even though every night I can think of a new place I want to try! I want to try 'em all, Pokemon style, but not alone. Well, sometimes alone -- I have always cherished my solitude. But not all the time. Sometimes I need a friend in my own way. I am eagerly looking forward to diving in deeper to the whole Playback:STL community. I can't believe they said "come on in", and that the albums and gigs to review are starting to flow! Already I'm going to volunteer two nights at their festival on the Loop! Sure, it's unpaid and glorified monkey work, but to me it's a big fucking deal. It's important to me to be a part of the local scene, and to nurture my artistic/souful nature, the one that doesn't get fed 8-4 at work. I can't wait to take pictures of bands, meet some folks, and just drink in the nightlife and tunage! See, I just need to be patient. I can't believe how impatient I am sometimes. I'm just being difficult... 90% of everything is working out amazingly well at this point -- I love my life circa late summer 2008! And I know I'm simply working my way back into life here, coping with change (there's your self-help book title), and recoving from so many mental and emotional traumas. I'd like to think I'm doing a remarkably good job of it. Compared to my lengthy, tough adjustment period in NorCal, this is a piece of cake. I know and love my apartment & 'hood, I'm digging into my new job without too much trouble, my family have been amazingly supportive rocks throughout all of this, and, frankly, the friends worth a damn have gone above and beyond the call of duty. Steve has been the best friend a man could ever fucking hope for, and I feel like an ingrate for even wanting/needing more. It's been awesome getting to spend a bit of time with Marc again, and being 100 miles away from Hinge is fucking sweet! Even if we only get together once a month or whatever, those are days I live for. Even Erin has stepped up to the plate -- which is bizarre to think about, but the unstoppable flow of life & time has put us in an interesting place. It's the post-rock of relationships. I best handle Erin in small doses, but that's how it's been going, and it's been oddly nice lately. I dunno, I should stop bitching, because despite that my single person fantasy friendship thing isn't kicking right now, people are being unbelievably good to me right now. And it's helping so much. I just wish I was better at letting those things & people get me through the days where the long, dark teatimes of the soul weigh especially heavily.
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