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9-27-08 // 10:04 am stevie nicks solo album There's so much joy in my life right now I feel like I'm getting away with something. I woke up this morning, no need to set an alarm! I worked so hard this week to get done all the shit I had to do, I get to spend this weekend doing the things I want to do. That is such a liberating sensation! I pulled open the drapes in the living room, threw open the french doors in my bedroom to let the sunlight spill in, and wandered out on my back balcony into a pure blue skied, cool early fall morning. The coffee was warm and steaming, and I felt the light chill of the on my bare legs. The world was just waking up, too -- barking dogs, a guy taking out the trash in the alley. Party at my place tonight, I'm looking forward to showing off my apartment and 'hood, to seeing some folks I haven't seen enough of for a very long time, to listen to some tunes, drink some beers & let loose for a night. I doubt it'll be a huge crowd, but you know what, who cares? I think I was a bit bummed about that a week or so ago, but now? What does it matter? There will be so many other parties. Sometimes I forget that this all isn't temporary, and when I do the realization smacks me upside the head and I smile like a fool. I've been busy but not too busy -- going to a decent number of shows so far, doing things with the local Flickr community, getting involved with album/gig reviews for Playback:STL, helping out at the Play:STL festival. I'm meeting new people! Which sounds so dorky, but I'm not exactly the most extroverted person on earth, but my commitment to putting myself out there more is paying back in spades. New contacts, new friends, new activities, new groups. That's a thrilling thing, especially considering how god-awful lonely I felt for so much of the past three or so years. Even work is spot on. I am terrible at transition. I get by, but it freaks me out until I gain a foothold. The new job was like that at first -- I had to start completely from scratch, learning new business rules, schema, etc. But now that I've been there 4-5 weeks, I still have stuff to learn but I'm getting things done! I'm no expert, but I'm doing meaningful work, I'm getting a chance to learn new things and to bolster my knowledge of existing skills, and I like my work environment. Sure, it's square as hell, but it's so genuinely nice and low-key. And my supervisor guy is fantastic, very supportive but also hands off to the extent I like. He needs a self-starter and, well, that's me! We had a talk yesterday before we left for the day, one of those "how are we doing?" discussions. Of course, I feared the worse, but I told him I was actually thrilled with the way it's going on my end, the work is interesting and I like getting to solve mysteries again, and that the workplace is all I could ask for. He said he couldn't be happier with me, the job I've been doing, and with how I fit into the IT department and the organization as a whole. I shouldn't need that kind of validation, but every so often, especially at the start of a new job -- it really goes a long way. So, I was already feeling great about my work situation, but that simply elevated me to another plane of contentment for the time being. I'm simply astonished at how relatively simple my transition back to life in St. Louis has been. Especially lately -- the last two weeks have been overwhelmingly normal. Which sounds like an odd thing to say, but my anxiety has been crazy low, almost nonexistent. There have been a few pockets of worry or angst, but three miles in Tower Grove Park has been doing a perfect job of wiping that all away, and by the time I get back home I feel free & clear. Music, friends, my family, the park, my neighborhood, south city, the STL in general -- it's getting me through this and I'm getting back into it in return. Don't get me wrong, I still think about California. Some days I miss it terribly! But I don't want to go back. Even though now and then I have a monumental, primal urge to go to the ocean, soak in some coastal fog, or I wish I could feel the salty waves crashing over me as I paddle out past the breakers. I miss riding BART all over the place. But would I go back? Not right now, certainly not with everything I have here.
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