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11-5-08 // 7:05 pm

president obama!

God, am I *tired*. For two days before the election I was full of anxiety. Tension, anticipation...it felt like having an exam the next day but being completely studied out by 7pm the night before. You want to take the test now but you have to wait, even though studying more would be little more than your eyes glazing over after poring over the same page for the tenth time. I got up at the ass crack of dawn yesterday, got to my polling place at 6:30am and waited in a massive line, finally getting to cast my ballot around 8:15. Paper ballot, natch, I don't trust Diebold and their vote-stealing touch screens. Free coffee afterwards at Starbucks and then finding it tough to concentrate all the rest of the day at work. I got all 21st century on this election's ass by monitoring the returns via a ton of tabs keeping check on PBS, MSNBC, and CNN. I didn't turn on my TV once, in fact I found it far more informative to do a few other odds & ends, chat with friends, and check for newly "colored-in" states every 10 minutes than to sit there and listen to the same old "we don't know anything new but we have to keep talking anyway" nonsense you get with on the air election night coverage. But I won't lie, I was giddy with excitement! Obama was declared the winner and McCain conceded right as I went to sleep. My first thought the next morning, as I woke up to the light of dawn seeping through the cracks in my drapes, was "President Obama!" I just laid there in bed for a few minutes, savoring it, taking it all in, and contemplating what just happened actually means for this nation of mine. I couldn't wipe a shit-eating grin off of my face! It stayed on in the shower, and got wider on the drive to work as I listened to NPR replay Obama's victory speech, which I hadn't heard before then. It made me proud to be an American for the first time in 8+ years. Seriously proud to have this great country rejoin the ranks of the sane. I love my home, I honestly do, but I found myself having to defend it and us to foreign friends, while simultaneously loathing the right-wing cabal that had hijacked it and turned it into something it wasn't. An Obama presidency won't instantly make things better -- he's inheriting cripplingly terrible problems, and it's going to take a lot of slogging through the trenches to reverse the damage that Bush II and company did. But it *can* be done. I'm filled with confidence and hope, for the first time in years and years. It sounds so cheesy and idealistic, and I'm trying to stay grounded in the reality of the politics and hard work ahead. But at this point, my mind is swimming with the heady thoughts of what can be. I'm overjoyed to have a leader who seems to get it, and who despite his wonderfully liberal leanings, seems poised to actually reach across the proverbial aisle, and try to forge a consensus, while at the same time actually being progressive. I like how Obama comes across as progressive yet inclusive. And you *can* be both, I've just never seen a candidate who's inhabited that particular space. So now, finally, we can at least try to be something better than we have been. Hell yeah. Oh hell yeah.

The aftermath of my assault has been mostly tolerable. The swelling and post-attack pain was pretty bad for at least three or four days afterward. You should've seen me on the Saturday after I got jacked -- I looked *hideous*. My left eye was all black & blue and nearly swollen shut, I had the huge gash over that same eye that had been glued shut, and my right jaw was bumpy and protruding. Oddly enough, that next day, the Sunday, most of the swelling started to go down, but I started getting this intense, constant tension headache. Plus the gash wound started to "seep". Ugh. But a trip to the urgicare clinic and a switch to ibuprofen later, and I started to get through it. The last week and a half has been about 95% -- a bit of pain here and there, especially minor headaches and leftover muscle tension and out-of-whackedness, but it's nothing I can't deal with. As of today, the gash is 98% healed and only slightly painful. Almost back to normal. I hope. Honestly, I'm simply happy to finally start putting this behind me. It hasn't been overwhelmingly traumatic, but it completely shook me up, and it's taken time to stop feeling ridiculously paranoid in my neighborhood. Not scared, mind you, just paranoid. But even that feeling is starting to wear off, which is good, since I love my 'hood and my city and I'm not going anywhere. But I'd also like to start "forgetting" the trauma of what happened, and not wince when I walk past the corner of Arsenal & Morgan Ford where the attack occurred.

I dunno, I haven't, and life hasn't, felt *amazing* lately, but it's felt *solid*. Still on the overall upturn. It's been nice seeing friends in a normal way again, I'd forgotten the joy of simply meeting up for a bite to eat midweek. I made a trip up to Champaign last weekend to visit my sister and bro-in-law, and me and my sis took a side mini-trip up to IKEA in Chicagoland so I could begin to trick out my new apartment, Swedish-style. Plus, I badly needed a chest of drawers -- two months on and most of my clothes were still living in suitcases! Not cool. The trip was crazy whirlwind, but the time in the car went by pretty quickly, and it was a total blast getting to catch up with my sister! For years, when I was in California and she was in St. Louis, I missed our weekly coffees something fierce. And now, even though I'm in STL and she's three hours away, it's so affirming to get to reconnect in that way again. We really got a chance to catch up on serious stuff on the car ride to-from IKEA -- politics, family dynamics, what it feels like to grow up, politics, career, everything. It was also nice just being able to chill in her and James' environment up there...we went out to a Thai place downtown that night and it was fantastically laid back and warm. Made me happy, and I drove back to STL on Sunday morning feeling like the lucky guy that I am to have a life full of so many great family members and friends. Old and new friends. It's nice.

I spoke with Sarah last week for the first time in over a month and a half. It was...awkward. But also positive. Honestly, I was planning on continuing our practical radio silence. But the other week, I realized that I'd run out of authorizations on my iTunes account, and needed her to deauthorize her PC so I could authorize my new one. Apparently I'm not allowed a mass deauthorization for another month or so. Her PC was the only computer of the five that I still had access to, so I shot her an email asking her to take care of business. A week or so passed, no answer, no action. I was frustrated but also had so much else going on that I rarely gave it a second thought. Then, one night I came home from a walk and saw that she called & left a message apologizing for taking to long to get back to me and that she needed my password to do the deauthorization. So I apprehensively rang back. The conversation was shockingly nice! You know what it was that felt different? This time she was respectful. No mention of the new boyfriend or whatever he is, or whatever she's doing with all that. But she filled me in on her 2nd year of grad school, GRE madness, visiting and applying to schools for her PhD; she's finally cutting out cancerous friendships from her life; she's realizing the value of the amazing family she has in the Bay Area. She sounded busy as fuck but satisfied and calm. I couldn't help but feel proud of her! I felt proud for the both of us, actually, as I relayed all that's been going on with me: the new job working out wonderfully, reviewing albums, making new friends, and mostly just feeling at home and like myself for the first time in years. It wasn't the greatest conversation ever, and like I said, it was fairly stilted at times, but it was honest and kindly and it made me smile and want her to succeed. Whereas last time we spoke I was filled with nothing but anger, confusion, and resentment. I doubt I'll talk to her again anytime soon, maybe another month or two, but I was so pleased that we could at least be cordial. I felt like I was getting a little bit more of that respect that I deserve from her. I refuse to interact with her if she's not going to give it to me. That's the thing: I want her to be happy, as happy as she can possibly be. But I refuse to let her make me unhappy in the process. I dunno, it was also affirming in that it totally drove home that I did the most amazing, perfect thing for myself by ending it with her, and coming home to St. Louis. I couldn't have made a better choice, and I smile when I realize how I've parlayed that choice into what's turning back into a very fulfilling life! Things aren't perfect in the STL, but since when is life ever perfect? But I feel far more satisfied lately.

OK, I'm running out of mental juice and I already didn't quite feel like writing, plus my laundry is done. So I'm outta here.

then / now