in the city


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11-18-08 // 8:40 pm

you can't go on thinking nothing's wrong

NP: "The Squid & The Whale" soundtrack

Today is one of those days where I feel trapped between two lives. Well, not really. I'm entrenched in my old/new one back in the STL. But I also feel this pull back towards the Bay Area, towards California and the East Bay. It's just that...I came back changed. There are days lately where I just miss Berkeley. Walking to the train, catching it from Oakland to downtown on Shattuck, having a dozen Indian restaurants right smack dab there, and tons of proper pubs and the world's greatest record store all within a mile or two's walk. It was heavenly. Well, and that's the thing -- I glamorize it! Or I think of it too nostalgically. I don't miss the crowds and the mess and fact that it wasn't truly my place. I feel differently when I walk around St. Louis, like I know it. St. Louis is an intimate long-term lover, and one that I've been away from for too long. So yeah...before I drone on and on, a part of me is currently missing the Bay something fierce, and the other part of me is happy as clam back in the STL. The weather is bitterly cold right now, which I outwardly bitch about, but internally love to death. I deeply missed the joys of going out for an hour long walk all bundled up in hat, coat, and scarf, and returning to a warming pint of ale and the hot jets of the furnace. I missed cozy, and comfort food. The funny thing is, California has reinforced my concept of cold-weather comfort food as a doctored-up pot of black beans, or vegetarian chili. It actually makes me smile! That was kind of my goal upon returning to STL: live my "old" life, but with a California twist. I never let myself realize it, but you know what, I'm doing it. I'm living my life, this weird hybrid kind of life, on my own terms now that I'm back here, and that's damn cool.

I went to a couple of friends' wedding over the weekend, and I can't describe how nice and normalizing it was to simply be able to be there for the occasion. To actually take part in their big day and to be surrounded by people that for three years I didn't have the privilege of being physically close to.

Speaking of which, the other day I got the biggest, best news of the new millenium: Ryan S is coming back to the States! His wife got her post at Scott AFB way sooner than expected, so instead of maybe returning to the STL area in a year and a half, they're coming back in February! I don't care how nakedly emotional I sound, but my best buddy is coming home! I miss Ryan so much, this city isn't the same without him, it's good but palpably lighter. So yeah, three more months and I get a big fucking present. Playing Magic, going to interesting restaurants, grabbing a drink and getting some proper conversation, heading to Cards games when the season starts back up...hell yeah!

I don't know what's up with me and my love life. I don't currently have one, and I'm not exactly looking, but sometimes the loneliness creeps up on me, especially now that it's ass cold out and I have a quilt that's tailor-made for couples cuddling. Bah. It'll happen when it's time for it to happen. I'm in the position in my life, for once, to not force anything, and I'm sticking with that approach. So far it's been working, even if it means the occasional bout of angst or frustration. I got a little bit sour and dejected at the end of the wedding reception when all the couples danced to a stupidly sappy song. The truth is that I wanted to be out there with someone to feel sappy about. It's funny, back in the day I used to feel consumed with loneliness, like I didn't know how to be comfortable in my own skin. These days, I have that sussed. But still, on occasion, just now and then, the feeling creeps back in. The mitigating factor is that now I know both sides of the coin, the pros of a relationship and the pros of being on your own. It's nice, even though sometimes it's sorrowful.

then / now