in the city


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11-28-08 // 10:57 am

girlfriend in a (turkey) coma

Turkey day was a resounding success! Got to spend an hour or so with my folks over at their house (I cooked my green bean casserole there, which went over very well -- score for using healthy ingredients and fresh string beans) before we headed to the next town over to my aunt's house. That was my mom's side of the family, the one that I identify with and have always had an aesthetic in common with. They're more cosmopolitan and educated; two of my mom's brothers are my Southern California uncles. My cousins on my mom's side are like my siblings, we keep in touch and hang out outside of family gatherings. So we all caught up, shared stories, ate a killer meal, chilled out, and some of us later took a walk up to the playground and field up at the Catholic church, ran around and tossed a football around. It was the most relaxed and natural I'd felt in what felt like years. It felt like life used to feel, a freshly-made slice of what I've been trying to get back to the last three months. Sadly, before I realized it, it was time to wander back to the house and head out with my mom & dad to my dad's side of the family. They had eaten at the same time as my mom's side, but we were heading up there (about 30 miles north) for dessert/visiting. Honestly, I wasn't ready to go. I wasn't particularly in the mood to go. But I went, it's important to make an effort to see everyone. So, instead of getting to stay with my "real" family, to come back from football and drink more wine and veg out good and proper, it was time to rush around some more. And we get there, and I'm met with a phalanx of people that I barely see once or twice a year. Don't get me wrong, I see my paternal grandma & grandpa fairly often -- I love 'em so much, they're massively kind, generous, warmhearted, and sharply funny in a way you wouldn't expect. But the rest of my dad's side? I have absolutely nothing in common with them. At all. And I feel so guilty and judgmental even saying this, but they're hoosiers. I'm not saying they're bad people -- they're solid, family-values kinds of people. But they're interested in motor sports, hunting, tattoos, and god knows what else. They're not really cultured. They're a little bit racist. They're not trailer trash -- they have proper jobs and houses and are honest, solid people. But what I'm getting at is that around these people, I feel massively uncomfortable. I don't know what to talk about. Since we have zilch in common, I'm forced to make small talk for hours on end. Small talk is one of my least favorite things on earth, I avoid it at all costs whenever possible. I can only talk about my job, where I live, how it feels to be back from California, my car, etc for so long. That sort of shit brings out my most socially awkward tendencies, the kinds of things I work so hard at controlling and breaking free from. The most awkward, awful thing about this is that these people are my family, too! But they don't feel like it, not in the easygoing, natural way that I feel it with my mom's side. So yeah, I was getting antsy after a while, especially as some people filtered out and most of the guys settled into the living room to watch some deer hunting show on TV. Everyone standing around drinking Natural Light, Busch Light, and anything else "lite", being raunchy and dumb. Ugh. There was even a bottle of fucking moonshine. Again, not bad people. Great people that would always have my back. And, really, I'd always have theirs -- they're my family, you know? I don't talk smack to them, I don't argue with them, and I don't disparage their likes, interests, or lifestyles. But we're also not friends, which means I usually just sit there/get uncomfortable after the small talk has run out & I realize we have nothing in common or to talk about. I hope that makes sense, it makes me sound like an asshole. Which I probably am. But I have to be truthful to myself. So yeah, after 2 1/2 or 3 hours there, I made my move to escape. I vaguely felt like I was rushing out, but really, I only got the same amount of time at my mom's side. But I hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm sure I didn't and nobody cared, it's just my own guilty feeling talking, but still. I also feel bad about feeling annoyed that I got "cheated" out of an entire day with the family I wanted to spend time with. But that's when I smack myself silly and realize that this year I actually got to be with all of these people, even if it was only for three hours. Compare to three years in California where Thanksgiving was the hardest day of the year for me; I could never hack it having them thousands of miles away on my favorite, most inviting, together-y day of the year. I had/have to remember to be thankful.

So this morning I'm mulling over this familial dichotomy. I sit here feeling residually worn out from the past couple of weeks, excited about three days off with absolutely no obligations, and also with an odd bit of loneliness kicking about. I am feeling mildly smug that I managed to escape the usual post-Thanksgiving bloated/gross/nasty feeling. I ate a hearty Thanksgiving meal, but I was careful about my portion control and went light on the starches. I only had one small glass of wine with dinner, no more alcohol the rest of the day, and only a sliver of pumpkin pie in the evening. I didn't double up on anything and I exercised self control. I also got 5 miles of walking in throughout the day, plus the football toss/ stroll. So I'm happy there.

I could badly use a back/shoulder rub right about now.

then / now