 |
|
1-16-03 // 9.47 am and I hope I'm not shooting my mouth off NP: James - "Millionaires" OK, so the other night Erin and I had our talk. She told me that she thought that over the past few months I'd lost my sense of joy, that I was too often in bad moods. She thought that we'd become content and maybe even stagnant, that maybe I haven't wanted to do as much, or that I haven't been as excited as I can be. Which is a perfectly fair point. I countered with the fact that I've had some very busy times at work, and that from about Thanksgiving through New Year's, she was a huge nervous wreck, which in turn sort of soured me and put a huge load on me. The holidays are a very rough time for her, which I totally understand and respect, but at the same time, it seemed like whatever support I was trying to offer up wasn't enough to keep her from having these problems, from feeling terrible. Also, I think we both realized that at certain levels, we have certain aspects of our personalities that are basically that -- part of us, something that won't ever "go away", per se. I think perhaps that's where a lot of the antagonism lately has came from. She gets stressed out about work, the direction of her life, her family, and I try to get in motion and "fix" things. See, I'm one of those people, one of those horribly annoying "caretaker of the universe" kinds of people. I try to analyze, approach, and repair situations. Even when that's not a methodology that will work. That's one of the things I want to work on in counseling, really, to discover some new ways of offering support and helping people cope, without trying to "engineer" a solution like at present. And just in general, I think I came to realize that I'd sort of forgotten about small gestures, about bringing her flowers or writings or a thoughtful little present. I need to stop worrying about little things, like bills, or whatnot. I mean, you can't really not think about that, but I want those sorts of things to not affect me so much. She also thought that I didn't like her friends anymore. It's not that, I like her friends. She has some very good friends who are cool people and who are very there for her. It's just that sometimes it seems like they're at our place too much. Sometimes it feels like there's this "clubhouse" mentality. I know she wants to be with her friends, but sometimes I just want to be with Erin and no-one else, you know? Selfish, maybe, but it's how I feel now and then. But we can come to some compromises there. And of course, sometimes I just need to lighten up and stop being cranky. This I will admit. In any case, Tuesday night was beyond rough. I think we got a bit hysterical and came pretty close to breaking up. Though we both came to our senses and realize that would be ridiculous, neither of us could or would want to live without the other. I mean, I'm not going to pretend none of this happened, and that we didn't address some actual issues that need working on. But to pack it all in? No way. So, the outcome is this. The engagement is off for now. We're both going to get some counseling, and we're going to just take things one step at a time, attempt to make improvments on what we see as our weak spots, and then see where we are in a year or so with regards to engagement and such. I think it's a good plan. All I know is that I love her so incredibly much, she's my best friend, my favorite person to talk to ever, an amazing lover, and easily the smartest person I know. Not to mention that she's a total fox. Anyway, that's that. I don't want to dwell too much on it here, but I think it needed a mention. Moving on... Erin and I are going out on a date tomorrow night (well, originally it was to be tonight, but we're both so worn out, so we're gonna rest up tonight and go out tomorrow when we'll enjoy it more), to Robata's, a great Japanese restaurant way out there in suburban no-man's land. But the drive is worth it, as the place rules -- excellent food, and a great, wonderfully tacky bar with this creepy teenage looking bartender who mixes drinks far too strong. All day yesterday the weather people were saying that we were in for a snowstorm today, complete with high winds and drifting. Tons of schools were closed before morning even got here. So what happens when I woke up at 6am today? Not a flake to be seen. About an hour later, there's some light snow, a bit of a dusting on side streets and pavements, but the roads are fine, nothing much is doing. The farther east I drive, there's no snow at all. I've only been at work for about two and a half hours so far today. I've got like six and a half still to go. Ugh. But I'll get through it, it's alright. Tonight I think Erin and I are just going to come home, hang out, veg out, and order some pizza or Chinese delivery. It sounds brilliant. She sounds brilliant. And with that, I'm out. Later gators.
|