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1-14-03 // 9.45 am all this talking is only bravado NP: Blue Nile - "A Walk Across the Rooftops" I'm tired this morning. So tired. I had a cup of coffee on the drive to work earlier, but I just poured myself another one a little while ago. Usually the coffee here at work is really bad, very sickly and dishwatery gross, if that means anything to anyone but myself. But this morning, I noticed the pot was empty. So Imade the coffee. Two packets of grounds instead of one. It now looks and tastes like it was brewed properly. I'm sure everyone else will be confused and/or pissed off, but you know what, I don't really care. Erin said that we need to have a "state we are in" talk tonight. Which sounds rather ominous. Well, she said it's not that big of a deal, but I dunno... She said something feels different and that she doesn't like it. To be honest, she's seemed kind of distant for the past month or so, it's been really difficult to be physically intimate with her. And no, I don't mean just sex. I mean everything, snuggling, regular physical contact like hand holding, resting my hands on her leg, etc. Kissing, too. It feels like forever since we've had a long, drawn out kiss. Seems like every time I go in for a kiss, and try to let it linger and continue, she either stops it, or dodges it. Or if I go up to her, wrap my arms around her, and whatever -- she'll pull away after a few seconds. And to be honest, I've went to bed alone so many times the past couple of weeks. She stays up reading and hanging out in Harry Potter chat rooms. Not sure if that's just insomnia or what, but falling asleep without her is so difficult. She said last week that it's her, not me...but I still feel like it's me, like somehow, in some way, I've done something. I feel like maybe she's not attracted to me anymore. I don't think I've put on weight or anything...I think I may have even lost a few pounds in the past month or so. I mean, it's difficult for me to accept that she'd find me attractive in the first place, but yeah... Perhaps I've been a bit cranky lately. I'm not sure. Work has been off-and-on busy and stressful, sometimes that does it. On the phone before, she said that "being an adult sucks", and that "adulthood is boring". I keep wondering if I'm being boring. I mean, I'm not a flashy, exciting person. I'm not sure if she feels smothered, or boxed in or something, or not stimulated enough. I'm not sure if she's longing for something that she feels denied of by being with me, in this situation. I'm paranoid that I'm not giving her what she needs. I keep asking what's wrong, or if anything is wrong, and I don't get an answer. Usually the only response is one of those detached, sort of icy "nothing's wrong"s, that imply something really is wrong but she won't say what. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not so self-centered to think that this has to be about me. But I'm paranoid like that. I know the holidays are a tough time for her, which I understand and respect. But it's been weeks since Christmas. But yeah. She was sick for a while, I have to remember that. I love her with all of my heart, and I know she loves me. But I wish she'd let me know what's on her mind. I want to make things better, I want to change what I'm doing wrong. I want to completely reverse this recent trend. It's supposed to snow Wednesday night or Thursday. I really hope that it doesn't, I've had my fill of snow for the winter. I mean, it's not the cold, that's fine by me. I'd rather wear a coat or have to sleep under lots of blankets than have to run two fans in addition to the AC to stay cool. But the snow, it just screws everything up, it makes my commute difficult, etc. So yeah, snow, please stay away. Whatever. Today I am counting out time.
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