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4-1-08 // 3:56 pm the fine art of falling apart NP: a bunch of Matthew Good videos on Youtube from his various acoustic tours in the past couple of years. I felt like I had lost myself, like I'd fallen apart, been subsumed, been robbed of my essence. I wouldn't say that I believe in the soul, whatever it's even supposed to be. But I felt like a actor in my own life, a stranger in my own head. Of course, being the worry-box that I am, I figured that it would somehow always be that way. I am frighteningly prone to that sort of all-or-nothing thinking. Everything had changed, in frightening and exhilarating ways. But I felt unprepared and so, so tiny, an ant about to be crushed underfoot. I suppose the key to reversing the trend was to embrace the power of positive thinking. Not that simply wishing something to be so will make it so, but to use positive thinking as a springboard towards action. That, and realizing that large-scale change is accomplished through a series of small changes. The other essential tool I discovered was to realize that there will always be good days and bad days. There's nothing wrong with an "off" day, and a rebound is often only a decent night's sleep away. I've also learned to truly bask in the joy of the best days. That often makes a world of difference. I have recently come to the vital understanding that I am simultaneously not who I used to be and everything I used to be. I've grown up, I've moved around, I've stopped being a big fish in a small pond and took on the challenge of being a small fish in a huge pond. My dream is to forever walk the fine line between routine and exploration, between constantly trying new things and the realization that there will always be for me a real comfort in the things that I like the way that I like them. What I'm trying to say is that I am who I am. I'm not anyone else, I'm not anyone's expectation of me, and I strive to take the best of everything I encounter, and make it a part of the entire experience, of the entire conglomeration that is what makes me me, without losing myself, without shutting myself off from novelty, discovery and the utter joy of constantly learning.
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