 |
|
5-24-09 // 9:53 pm that guy Preface: I am still not biting my nails.
Earlier in the weekend I was best man at one of my best friends in the world's wedding. It was a simple, beautiful ceremony, done their way. Completely heartfelt, and full of this happy exuberance. I've never seen him so happy and fulfilled, his (now) wife is a fantastic woman that suits him to a T, and based on the way they complement each other, I know they're going to have a long life together. That sounds cliche, but it's true. I feel like there's that obligation or social nicety that you're supposed to say that about all newlyweds, but let's not kid ourselves here: it's not always true. But with them, I see their smiles, their shared goals, their plans and their happiness, and I feel like I'm gazing upon a long-hidden blueprint. I'm writing here because a few days ago, a creeping sense of anxiety snuck in on me. This happens from time to time, but normally I'm able to suss out what the root cause is. This time, I wasn't...at least not for days and days and days. It eventually even turned into that physically manifested anxiety that I loathe so much, the one with the "fist crammed in between my stomach and esophagus" tightness. The fact that I couldn't pinpoint the root did nothing but throw lighter fluid on the crazy fire. I tried to chalk it up to being crazy busy, both pre-wedding and over the weekend itself. But that wasn't it. I took mental stock this afternoon and couldn't come up with a damn thing. There's very little actively wrong with my life at the moment, which is impressive, and a ginormous entry of its own for another time. But I digress. It was starting to eat at me, until not that long ago, while watching that sitcom "How I Met Your Mother", I was hit by an anxiety-dissipating CFL-coming-on-over-the-head revelation. I'm nearly 30 and am officially That Unmarried Guy in my circle of friends. What's more, I am That Single, Unmarried Guy. This, according to my subconscious, or whatever part of your brain it is that lets you subsume thoughts to the back of your mind, both is and isn't a problem. It's not like I'm sitting here longing to tie the knot. I'm not sure that's what I want. Let's face it, I'm a demanding guy. Not in a demonstrative way; I'm actually very go with the flow. But for past and future Other Halves? They've gotta be willing to put up with, or ideally prove adept at being able to handle/neutralize, my neuroses. So for the time being, while I sometimes get lonely, it's also wondrous to be single and to live life in my own, semi-weird driver's seat. But there is a part of me that misses being in a relationship, living with a woman, all the domestic joy that you get when you're doing it right, or at least when times are good. That's smile-inducing stuff. But I also don't have to share my bathroom, I can eat whatever I want for dinner every night, etc, etc. So there's this "sorta" idea that it'd be nice to be where all of my closest friends are. But part two of this simply snaps back to earlier themes in this here diary. I'm the odd man out, and it's starting to feel weird. Again, not because of any "longing", but because life is shifting, once again. I remember being 20, 21, whatever, and one big shift hit. That social circle shift from "clan of single guys" and associated "group of single girls" to "friends in long term relationships". Now I'm pushing 30 (which I'm oddly happy about, for some reason; maybe it's cause I made mistakes in my 20s and I'm finally neutralizing them/figuring out who I am/what I want to do), but I feel the tectonic movement. Marriages. Buying houses. Children. All positive things in and of themselves. But as they relate to me? Yeah... The one, one, single friend that I have is newly divorced. Even she was married! Anyway, this is resolutely not a major deal. I'm going to end this extra self-involved entry and get back to the business of feeling relieved that I figured out why I felt so mysteriously odd for several days straight. That doesn't mean I won't stop alternating between being glad I can spend an entire weekend day brewing my own beer and thinking how nice it'd be to not sleep alone for a change.
|