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12-23-01 // 11.25 pm and if it don't work out you'll be the first to know NP: Bob Dylan - "Blonde on Blonde" I've been thinking about my (lack of) love life. I'm attempting to pin down, once and for all, what I'm doing wrong. I mean, I can't be truly subjective with myself...I am me. But when I think about my attitudes towards women, I think that I'm at least doing most of the things I was always told were good things to do. I try my hardest to listen to what they're saying, I attempt to be thoughtful, to not act like a full-of-himself jerk. I flirt when it's appropriate, I smile, I laugh, I'm courteous. But I've never really had a serious relationship. Every woman I'm interested in always chooses someone else when all is said and done. I'm purely second-rate. Hell, that's probably even being too kind. Do I fail because there is no rhyme nor reason to anything women do? Or am I "too nice"? Am I not "mysterious" enough? Am I supposed to play games? Is sincerity a bad thing? I honestly don't know at this point what is and what is not expected of me. Or do I fail because, on some level, I find the mere notion that a woman would be interested in me so preposterous, that I somehow never take a risk when a new one wanders into my life? Am I that accustomed to sadness and self-pity that I'm now only comfortable in those surroundings? I liken it to my fondness for beer. Most of my friends, if they drink at all, they like mixed drinks and whatnot -- alcohol that doesn't taste like alcohol. They want to disguise the taste of the stuff that does the real damage. Wrap it all up in some sickly sweetness. Me, I want my booze to taste like booze. A shot of vodka or whisky. Or a strong, forceful, flavorful beer. I've become used to things bitter -- to the point where they're enjoyable. But the thing is, I really do want to be happy. So what now? Without independent consultation, I'm driven to believe that I need to take more chances. I have to make a fool out of myself more often. I should chat up that cute girl browsing the record shop racks a few yards away from me. I should make a move in the early stages of a relationship, not just let things progress to the point where the woman can't see me as anything more than someone with whom to discuss her latest romantic infatuation. I need to be assertive. I need to stand up for myself, have some dignity for a change. Though to be honest, I have no idea how to do that. It's like a chicken/egg sort of thing, really. I have no self-confidence since I always seem to get shot down. Though now I never seem to take chances since I've become so used to always going down in flames. I realize that gun shy is not the way to go...but it's so hard to get back up and keep being me when being me is what's caused me so much grief in the first place. I want this upcoming year to be different. I seem to say that every December 'round this time, but this year I really mean it. Though as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. I suppose now's the time to put my money where my mouth is.
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