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the milky way is emasculated

NP: iPod on random, all 1870 songs of it.

(They Might Be Giants - James K. Polk)

I've now used all but 6 megs of the available 9.2 GB on my iPod. Which is kind of sad, considering it's forced me to take a utilitarian approach to what I load on it. There's not enough room to have every single artist from my collection represented, so it takes some compromise. My natural techno-gadget geek inclination is to now lust after a new 15 or 20 gig version, but then my rational mind kicks in and says "don't be greedy, dorkus", and all is well.

Late Saturday night, on the way home from the Tivoli, Erin asked me if was happy. Happy with her, with our situation, with anything and everything. I replied that yeah, of course I was happy, and why wouldn't I be? She said she asked because I'd been so short with and critical of her lately, and that I've just generally been unresponsive and in a bad mood. None of which I'll deny, incidentally. But I had to explain to her that all of that doesn't have a thing to do with her, it's all work related. I'm putting in 50 hour weeks, complete with at least one 12 hour day per week and most other days at least 10 hours. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, lots of people everywhere work more per week. But for me, that's a lot, and it wears me out. I dunno, I make a good living, but I'm salaried, meaning that regardless of if I work 40 or 60 hours a week, I don't see an extra cent on my pay statement. There's a chance I could get a small lump sum type bonus for the overtime, but that basically never happens, at least not for me. There are yearly chances for small raises (mine's coming up soon, actually) and also the chance for yearly bonuses tied to the rating our customer gives the program), but day to day and week to week, I don't think so much about that, you know? So it's the combination of long hours, mentally taxing work, meeting deadlines and dealing with managers and their crap, and the feeling that I'm not seeing the fruits of my extra labor that's throwing me into this funk. Not to mention the fact that I always feel tired. I just can't shake the feeling, or if like on Saturday I try to sleep in and catch up, my body wakes me up after 8 hours asleep and won't let me fall back. So the fatigue and stress manifests itself in me treating Erin very poorly. I always thought I had a pretty good handle on coping with stress, but now I'm not so sure. My usual stress relief is exercise. I like a good mile and a half walk in the evening, but I haven't been getting that lately. I come home so wiped out that I don't feel like exerting myself. And that, of course, just feeds the cycle, making me more tired and not relieving the stress pressure.

(R.E.M. - Country Feedback)

So really, I need a break. I need a vacation, an uninterrupted block of no work. I have the time in the bank, the only tough part is finding a slot in which I can use it. I'm in the middle of a project at work, finishing up one round of testing and about to go into another. Maybe when I'm done with that I can get some down time. Or, more likely, I may try to wrangle the upcoming three day Memorial Day weekend into a four or five day break. I'll have to discuss it with my boss and my tech lead, but fingers crossed, eh? So yeah, until I finally get that recharge I need, I have to make a concerted effort to not blow up at Erin, and to talk and to be active physically and mentally despite the fact that a lot of time my brain just wants to shut down once I get home in the evenings.

(New Radicals - Mother We Just Can't Get Enough)

I need to talk to Erin again and figure out exactly what kind of vacation plans we want to set for the summer. She wants to go to Ohio, to see her dad and some friends, and to go to Cedar Point. Which sounds like fun, as I'm always up for a road trip and for exploring somewhere I've never been before. Plus it'd be cool to meet some of the friends she's always talking about but that I've not met. We'll have to work on logistics first, but hopefully everything works out.

(Talk Talk - Give It Up)

I think I'm going to give vegetarianism a try. Erin and I were talking yesterday, and she said she'd like to go back to it again. I could stand to lose a few pounds, plus it sounds interesting, so I'm going to give it a go along with her. I mean, I don't eat that much meat as it is, so it won't be that big of a deal. Plus I can think of a lot of really tasty meatless things to eat (vegetarian balti, anyone?), and it's not like I'll be giving up cheese, milk, yogurt, or anything else dairy based. My only condition is that once in a while I'll probably end up breaking down and eating a hamburger or a chicken breast or something like that. With a bit of luck, improving my diet and getting back into an exercise routine will be another weapon in the fight against stress.

(Midnight Oil - Concrete)

Oh, and while I'm here, let me pimp my Fotolog once more. It's really starting to come along, and I've finally plowed through my backlog. Current photos only from now I on, I think. I've also come to the realization that I need a better digicam. The only problem is that I can't really afford a better one right now, and that I'm also very enamored of my current one and its excellent optical zoom features. But in any case, Fotolog, woo! If you're a reader of this here diary and you also have one, let me know so I can add you to my Fotolog favorites list.

(Pet Shop Boys - Sail Away)

In case you couldn't tell, work's being a bit slow today. My boss is at the Virginia office, so the regular Monday morning meeting has been cancelled. I have to attend someone else's peer review this afternoon (well, it's for my project but it's not my test results), but otherwise I'm hoping it's another "lay low" kind of day. I wouldn't mind that at all, as I'm not feeling particularly energetic this morning. Chalk that one up to not getting as much sleep as I needed over the weekend, as well as the fact that Mondays consistently and thoroughly kick my ass.

(Pete Townshend - Crashing By Design)

So, I will ride out the rest of the day, and then I'll head home, chill out a bit, maybe take a short walk, perhaps accompany Erin to the comic shop, maybe read a bit more of my book.

Alright, now it's time to get moving, I think. Not sure what I'm going to do with the rest of the working day, but in any case... Later gators.

then / now