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5-22-02 // 10.21 am seven worlds will collide, whenever I am by your side Crazy ex-boyfriend issues = stress and insecurity for yours truly. Which is amazingly selfish, really...I'm not the focus here, it's her stress and her constant tension headaches worrying about his stupid ass. I've been trying to be as supportive as I can through all of this...I know there's not much I can actually do, but I hope that just being there for her counts for something.
Erin and I are going to move in together early next month. We found what seems to be the most perfect apartment we could hope to find. We have plans, plans that make perfect sense to me. I just don't want her to have reservations. I know she's been burned in the past, treated extremly badly. I understand that she's wary about moving in with me, considering the last time she did something like this it ended in what's currently smoldering a time zone away from here. But I just need to make it clear to her that I'm not those guys, and I never will be. Not to sound full of myself, but I am absolutely everything that they are not. I mean, it's fine if she wants to get everything in writing before we sign the lease, just in case. She just needs to know that none of that is necessary, not in the least. I will never hurt her, I will never let her down, I will never give her any reason to be sad or angry or heartbroken. I just need to know that she understands this...because I'm stupidly insecure once in a while. I love her more than I think I can tell her sometimes. I always just hope that I'm able to make up for my verbal shortcomings (and the limitations of the English language) by my actions, by showing her how much she means to me. Cardinals game last night, it was brilliant. I like how with her, going to the ballpark is equal parts watching the game itself, talking and relating past ballpark experiences, and just sitting there admiring the architecture and surrounding atmosphere. It was abnormally cold out for the end of May, but it didn't matter because I was there with her. Sitting on the metro platform, waiting for a train that wasn't claustrophobically packed...it was so peaceful. I mean, it was just us sitting there, on one end of the platform, with the towers of the city across the gap from us. It was cold, but we kept each other warm. What it comes down to, really, is that I want to be wherever she is. All of the time. I'm tired. Staying in and resting tonight, even though I know come about 8 or 9 o'clock, I'll start getting sulky and down because we're not together. Hearing her voice on the phone, hearing her saying my name and not being able to put my arms around her then and there...that's such torture. I don't care about work today. Not in the least. Blah. I just want to go home. I just want it to be last night again, I want to be back with Erin, laying on the futon, and feeling the concept of time slipping away.
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