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10-2-02 // 2.17 pm started writing you the letter which turned into the book The The - "Mind Bomb" Proper, non-pissy entry for today can be found here. OK, so a while ago my manager called me into his office. Remember the other day when I commented that I'd been praised, that I'd been doing a good job? Well, apparently other people aren't thinking the same thing. I dunno, I got a lecture on "committment" and whatnot. I'm not entirely sure what their problem is...are they pissed that I don't spend 60 hours a week at the office, that I don't volunteer to work every Saturday and Sunday? Are they pissed that I left work yesterday after putting in an hour and half of overtime, after spending a day and a half working on a problem that had stumped me and two other people who are more knowledgeable than me? Sometimes your best weapon is rest and a fresh perspective. Sometimes I think my higher-ups think purely in numbers, not in quantity and quality of what gets done. I have finished every single task assigned to me on this project. I have finished it at or before the due date that was assigned. I have asked for help if I needed it, just like I've been instructed to do. Yes, I don't stay at work till 10pm or pull all-nighters like some people. There are nights where I have to leave at a certain time. But I work overtime when it's needed, I know what has to be done. I get the job done. Apparently there's also been complaint from the chief engineers that I ask them too many questions, that I depend on them too much. Well shit, I thought that's what I was supposed to be doing? I thought that's what they're there for? Christ, I'm supposed to know every nuance of this huge-ass system already? There's only like three or four people anywhere with that knowledge, and most of 'em have been here for years. My manager also said, that I don't show enough "initiative". Excuse me? I always attempt to solve a problem on my own before I ask someone else. And of course I rely on the chiefs, sometimes you have to. I don't know how to do everything yet. I'm trying to learn, I'd like to think that I'm improving every day. This current project alone has expanded my base of knowledge more than I think anything else since I've been here. But whatever...I'm not sure what's expected of me at this point...they give me a raise and give me a glowing review, but I'm still not up to snuff? I dunno, it's just frustrating, is all... Some people praise me, and apparently, others complain about me behind my back. Like I told my manager in our "meeting", if people have issues with me or my work, they need to talk to me up front, not go bitching to my manager. Sometimes I just get fed up with this place and its conflicting messages. And of course, as I've said many times before, work is not my life. I refuse to sell my soul to this company. I realize that work is an extremely important component of my life, and I understand that I do have commitments. But I'd also like to think I've been good about meeting those commitments. In any case, fuck work today. Fuck 'em all.
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