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a decade of steely dan

Thanksgiving and its surrounding holiday time has traditionally been my absolute favorite time of the year. It has it all -- family, food, autumn weather and color, (if you're lucky) a crisp chill in the air, and a reprieve from what's always otherwise a busy chunk of the year. In college, it was a cherished chance to take a break from final projects, papers, and programs, to sleep in, sleep in a comfortable, proper bed, to eat an amazing homecooked meal, and to reconnect with family and friends. It was a festival of togetherness and stopping to realize how much good you have around you even when you get so busy/shortsighted that you don't notice it the way you should. But somewhere along the way, my T-day feeling went away. I don't know what it was, if it was me being an ingrate as a post-college young adult. I know that the three Thanksgivings I spent in California, 2300 miles from the people I cared about most, that was so hard. Every sunny, 65 degree NorCal Thanksgiving I'd call my folks and be immensely jealous of them getting to bask in that glow of extended family. Don't get me wrong, Sarah's aunt & uncle and family out there welcomed me into the fold and were remarkably kind and generous. I had a place to go and it was warm and welcoming. But it wasn't mine. The end of November didn't feel magical to me anymore.

This year is different. I've been excited all week! They let us out 2 1/4 hours early at work on Wednesday, and the place had a properly festive, laid-back atmosphere. I left work a little bit after lunch, headed home, took care of a few chores, and headed to the Loop to meet Steve. I got there a little bit early, so I sat in that Starbucks by Vintage Vinyl, sat in an overstuffed easy chair, read my book, and soaked in the bustle of people coming in and out of the shop. Met up with Steve and hit the usual haunts, grabbed a bite, a drink, and saw a movie. The Loop was afire with Christmas lights and snowflake style stree decorations, and it put me in an amazingly cheerful, soulful kind of mood! I came home and prepped a green bean casserole for the next day's Thanksgiving dinner. I actually had a little trouble falling asleep I was so excited. I woke up this morning with sunlight poking through the cracks in the drapes, laid in bed for a few minutes and woke up slowly, half sleepy, half rejuvenated and ready to get up. I laid there and felt nothing but relief, joy, and pure thanks. I wandered to the kitchen and put a pot of coffee on, and then threw open the living room blinds, letting the pale November sunlight spill in. Into this neat, wonderful little life I have going on. I sit here in pajamas, sipping coffee, listening to tunes, and gearing up for a killer meal with people that I love too much to be without, and I smile. Most importantly, I have been and am getting that magical Thanksgiving, holiday feeling of togetherness, gratitude, and reprieve. I wasn't sure I'd ever get it back; all I know is that it's immensely joyous.

I have so much to be thankful for right now it often takes me a little while to truly realize that it's happening and that it's real and true. 2008 has been tumultuous and, ultimately, the epitome of me finding myself again. If that was the only thing I had to be thankful for, it'd be a miraculous, wonderful day. But there's so much more. I have a roof over my head. I have a secure job in an increasingly shitty labor market, a job that I increasingly feel suits me to a T, where I'm rewarded for my effort and work ethic, but I'm not overworked. I'm back in the city that I love! I get to see my family and my friends on regular bases. And my people have been so great to me. I'm thankful that I took a chance on myself, to put my own happiness and sanity first for the first time in absolutely forever. It's rewarded me, not only personally and internally, but I also hope externally. I hope that me re-taking the reins has made me a better son, brother, relative, friend, confidante. I'm also quite thankful for new friends, new opportunities, and an excellent artistic outlet in Playback. Mostly, and I hope I can say this without it sounding self-important, I'm thankful that I gave myself the opportunity to try to be happy again, that I took a chance on my own happiness, even though it meant making a lot of tough decisions and putting in huge amounts of work and effort. It was worth it, and for that and everything else, I am one thankful man.

then / now